Sunday, September 23, 2012

A random tangent...

Time just seemed to fly by again. Maybe I should just plan to do this every 3 months and I won't be so disappointed in myself when 3 months goes by this next time. I only have three people following this blog though so I guess it isn't a bad thing that I'm not so diligent in my blogging. I honestly thought that I would be better at this.

The last time I wrote I mentioned that my job was coming to an end. The little girl that I was taking care of is now attending a preschool full time so I was no longer needed. It was sad for all of us but before that job ended I was offered another position with another family. I started with that family shortly after the last job ended so I haven't missed a beat. This family has only one child, a little girl that is almost 7 months old. She is just so precious. My days are a lot different from before but I am a fan of change. Plus it has added a new set of challenges for me. I am finding myself able to be a little lazier during the day, which I'm not quite sure is a good thing or not. She isn't crawling yet so I get to sit a lot. Of course this also gives me some time to think, which isn't always good for me either. I don't know if it is ever a good idea for a woman to get lost in her thoughts. I find myself thinking a lot during the day though.

I am going to be very real right now so the three of you who may or may not actually be reading this better get ready. I am a complete mess when it comes to my life. From the beginning of my existence I have mastered the art of quitting! I am going to sound a bit conceited for a minute but honestly I am great at a lot of things. During the last few months as I have dated different guys that I met on match I have learned so much about myself. Each one of the guys has given me lots of compliments. I have a great smile, gorgeous hair, nice lips, the perfect shape, I know how to hold my own in a heated conversation, I have a beautiful voice, intelligent, exciting to be around, caring, compassionate, adventurous, the list could go on and on. Now I have to admit some of these compliments I don't agree with but most of them I already knew about myself! (smile) I am a very talented woman, I just never really apply myself. I think I am great with kids because every day there is a new journey, a new problem to solve. This is honestly the longest I have ever stayed with something in my life, aside from some of the guys I have dated. Come to think of it, actually I wasn't very good at that either. Even though many of my relationships lasted a few years during those years it was kind of an off and on again relationship. I fear that I have commitment issues. I rarely ever live in the same apartment for longer then 3 years. I did finish Massage school but I don't even practice massage therapy anymore. I keep telling myself I need to go back to school so that I can be a Marriage and Family Therapist. Which honestly I think I would be excellent at but the only thing holding me back is the fact that I am afraid it will be like everything else in my life, a complete failure.

I met this guy a couple months ago and he is truly a great guy. We have spent lots of time together, getting to know each other and just having a fabulous time. Then I go to work and I have time to think and my mind wonders into this; "Am I just going to be wasting his time?" "Am I wasting my time?" "I really want to like this guy, I want to treat him right, I want to build a long lasting relationship with someone just like him." "Am I good enough?" "Will my past come back to haunt me or him?" "Should I just give up?" "I don't want to give up." "I don't want to be single for the rest of my life." Is there something wrong with me? This is a serious question. For all three of you, is there something wrong with me? Am I the only person who thinks like this? The only one who wonders about things like this? I know that each one of you are married and have kids but honestly, is there something wrong with me?

I think I need to add this little bit real quick. Don't get me wrong, I am happy with my life. I love my job. I love my friends and family. I just want more! I hope there isn't anything wrong with that. Someone once told me that you should just be grateful for what you have. Well, I am grateful for what I have but does that mean I shouldn't want more. I think I deserve more then what I have. I do work hard every day to help other people and then I come home and I look at my life and I think there just has to be more for me.

Any feedback would be wonderful. Sorry I have felt the need to go off on a little tangent here but I guess that is what these blogs are for. I just think I tend to get in my own way when it comes to being successful with anything. Sometimes I ruin things before they even get a chance to begin and I'm not quite sure why I do that. I think I am going to ponder this for a while and see if I can come up with anything. If I do, I will be sure to let you know.

On a lighter note, the Kansas City Chiefs beat the Saints in OT today so I am extremely happy about that. When the Chiefs have a win the week following just seems to be even better and go by a bit faster! I think it's because I am looking forward to the next game and the hope of another win!

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